To Run Boston or Not to Run?

That seems to be the question this week that is causing me much anxiety and restless sleep.

The answer: I don't know.

My insecure answer invites people to log an opinion and everyone has one. My brain takes it all in. It’s what I do. I try to process all the messages.

Will I do Boston? Will I do Boston? The question rides along with me on what seem like endless hours every day at work.

I am tired of listening only to myself. Driven me (Yes–I’m going! Even if I am toeing the line with this hip/butt/leg issue– pain be damned!), Wife me (Time to just let it go totally and focus fully on just enjoying the vacation with my husband), Recreational running me (Sure! Who cares about my time–run it for fun), Competitive Running me (I’d love to run at least sub-3:20).

I am tired of my own voice. Its constancy starts to become stressful. I so get the overuse injury–over and over and over again relentlessly. Talking about it, thinking about it over and over. Has running become this much of my thought life?  I hadn’t realized the extent of the overuse.

Here's what's going on with my entire left side of my body. Same as before, it's a nerve issue, not a muscle issue. I get the radiating sensation down my left leg (sciatica). Though it's not what I would call pain, it more feels tight and like something is just whacked out. It's uncomfortable and my legs feel like lead. Yesterday I ran 4 miles and it felt like 20. And, that's after 2 days off from running. So, today I am doing nothing at all, will try and test run again tomorrow then rest on Saturday & Sunday and maybe I can run Monday?

After doing a lot of reading on sciatica, the nerve irritation gets triggered by two things: extended stride when doing speed work and running hills. Which made sense. I over extended doing a speed workout. Then Saturday's race was hilly, so running fast up hills really pissed off my nerve.

There are 4 days left until the Boston Marathon. I would like to do everything in my power to preserve my pride and my $130+ by completing the damn thing. But, as I said before, I will not toe the line if I am not 100% confident that I can complete the entire race. I have come to accept the fact that if I run, it will not be at the speed I would like to be running. Probably one of my slowest marathons ever. I have already decided I will not wear my Garmin or any sort of watch, so I will not be tempted to get caught up in my pace. Most people know how competitive I am, and that I don't run marathons for fun - I run them to race them. But, I am finally accepting that will not be the case on Monday. I can only do what I can do.

To be honest, I've had a pretty shitty week to the point of a mental breakdown last night. All over a stupid marathon. I woke up this morning and found some perspective. The cliche “Don’t sweat the small stuff” is tiresome, but really, don’t sweat the small stuff. Because there are always bigger things.Scarier things. It could always be worse. When you put it in perspective, missing another race isn’t so serious. Neither is my leg issue. Or a wasted entry fee. Or my 5:20 AM flight. Or any other mundane, bullshit thing I want to complain about.