The Goals Post

I’ve been avoiding this post because while I’ve been spending lots of time thinking about my goals since my Phoenix fail/damn injury, however I’ve had a hard time articulating the many thoughts and feelings going through my head lately.
I had big goals headed into the year, however life happens and things change sometimes, and I had to re-evaluate not only my goals but how running was going to fit into my life this year.

The bottom line is that my goal is not to have any goals this year. While that may sound like a cop-out, the decision came after deep thought, reflection, and knowing what’s best for myself right now. And, while it may sound easy not to have any goals and just take on running care free right now, it’s actually VERY HARD for me.

For the past two years, I’ve had huge goals that I’ve been chasing down. I did an Ironman. I completed a 50-miler. I completed countless marathons and half-ironmans. I chased PR after PR. And, while the highs of these accomplishments were extremely HIGH they also came with some extreme LOWS (post-race let down, disappointment when not performing well, and wondering ‘what’s next.’).

I would be lying if I didn’t say at times – and more and more as of late – running has transformed into a pressure filled hobby for me. Some people are just really hard on themselves. And, I am one of those people. I have been letting numbers on a clock affect me way more than it should. I am not a professional runner; this is not my job and it never will be – so why I am letting training and race performances make or break me? Why do I let them define me?

Why do I put pressure on myself?

Why do you put pressure on yourself? This is a question I have been pondering recently. Why do I beat myself up about things that often do not really matter?

By pressuring myself to chase down numbers – and honestly chase down numbers that are unrealistic for me right now- I only make myself miserable, and I will actually hurt my performance.

There is only pressure in a situation if I put it on myself. Nothing is that important. It’s all small stuff. If others disapprove or think I should be running this or that -- who cares? There is no pressure because there is no exact right way to do things. There is no pressure because there is nothing I have to do in a given situation. I need to constantly ask myself: At what point am I pushing myself too hard? Where is the line between bringing out the toughness (physical, emotional and mental) and pushing myself too hard?

My self-esteem and self-worth should not determined by how I perform at a certain race or whether others judge me as being fast or slow. In my own life, I know that putting myself under pressure is not the best way to get the best out of me. So, why do it?

I thought back to when I first started running. My first thought when I laced up was not obsessive thoughts about what the clock would read when I crossed the finish line, where I would place in my age group and whether or not I would PR. My only goal was to go out there and do the best I could. And, when I think out it, I’ve had some of my best races when I’ve gone in without any expectations. I need that mindset back.

I’ve had a love-hate relationship with running lately. My runs have been incredibly humbling. I want to be running at the level I was at in the Fall/Winter, but I am not and it tests my patience every single day.

And, while I’d like to say I’ve handled these bad runs with grace and acceptance, I haven’t. I’ve been letting them affect me way too much. I have unrealistic expectations of myself right now, and the only way for me to get rid of them is to wipe the slate clean and look at running with a new attitude. Therefore my goal is to have no goals, other than to simply be thankful of the ability to run. I have a semi-secret race coming up on March 3 where I’ll put this attitude to test.

This particular song by Florence + the Machine “Shake It Out” resonates quite well with my thoughts on running right now…