Strength

This has been a rough week for me – no other way to say it. I have a severe case of the “I don’t wanna’s.” I don’t want to run. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to be planning for a major work event I have coming up. I don’t want to do anything but sit at home and hang out with my dogs on the couch watching TV or reading a book. For some reason, I’m pissed off about everything this week. I’m pissed off that I can’t seem to sleep through the night without waking up 10 zillion times worrying about this or that. I’m pissed off I can’t get co-workers to volunteer to help with a major department event coming up. I’m pissed off that I’ve been tired on all my runs this week. I’m pissed off that I have to work tomorrow, on a Saturday. I’m pissed off that I really need to run 30 miles tomorrow for JFK training, and I’ll have to get up at 4 am to get it in. I'm pissed off that my house is a mess, and I haven't found time to clean it. I’m pissed off that it took Texas A&M two weeks to get Flash’s test results back. I’m pissed off that the test results came back negative and so we are back to the drawing board again. I’m pissed off that no one can tell me what’s wrong with my dog, and I’m pissed off I can’t do anything to help him. I know, in the big picture, these things are all really not a big deal and it’s silly to get upset over them. I’m fortunate to have so many great things in my life, that I shouldn’t let the small things get to me. But for some reason this week they have, and I feel completely flattened.

I came across the following post about strength, and it was just what I needed to read today:

Strength

We don't always have to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.

We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.

There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally we don't want to get out of our pajamas. Sometimes, we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.

Those days are okay. They are just okay.

Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.

Today, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart."